Bereaved during the Pandemic? Thoughts and ideas to help you Expand We are so very sorry you lost someone dear to you. Whether they died of Covid-19 or another way, you will have faced something unimaginable and unprecedented which will have left you feeling devastated and powerless. Without the support of family and friends during lockdown, many will have put their grief on hold, dealt with their loneliness and the practicalities of the time, and only now be beginning to deal with the consequences of their loss. Now would be a good time to start to deal with your grief. There is plenty of support available and on AtaLoss.org you can find it in your area. There are many people doing the same so please don't delay. People are waiting to help you. Find Support Here. Sara Murphy produced a booklet to help those who were bereaved during the pandemic. The following text is an extract from her booklet which we hope you find useful. The Nature of Grief While grief is a universal experience and all of us will experience grief many times over the course of our lives, every grief experience is also unique. We do not grieve in the same way over different losses, and individual survivors grieve the death of one person differently.It is important that you give yourself permission to feel the emotions you are feeling, which may change from day to day or even from one moment to the next. There is no “wrong” or “right” way to grieve - your emotions reflect both your special relationship to your loved one and the circumstances of their death. Traumatic Loss Losing a loved one in the midst of the pandemic will have been a traumatic experience. If we lose someone suddenly, or if we were not able to be with them while they were dying, our grief responses are complicated by the traumatic nature of the loss. Survivors may feel overwhelmed with thoughts of their loved one’s death. They may experience intense distress in yearning or searching for the deceased due to their sudden separation. The bereaved may also experience emotional distress along with their other grief emotions, including feelings of emptiness, disbelief, and distrust in other people.If you are experiencing any of these feelings, know that they are normal responses to the abnormal circumstances of your loss and that, with time and support, they will lessen. However, be aware that you may only now be beginning to grieve for your loved one. Ambiguous Losses Grief following a loved one’s death can be complicated during a public health crisis because we are all experiencing non-death losses at the same time such as financial insecurity, lack of social contact or loss of freedom. Grieving a death while dealing with non-death losses can feel overwhelming because they may have impacted on the degree to which you could be with your loved one prior to their death. Now, as we emerge from the restrictions, you might be feeling that your grief hasn't been recognised and supported because everyone appears to be getting on with life. While you grieve your loved one, try to recognise and validate the other losses you are experiencing as a way of making sense of how these losses impact one another for you personally. Risk of Disenfranchised Grief In addition to other complications to grieving the loss of a loved one during the pandemic, survivors are at risk of experiencing disenfranchised grief. Anyone suffering a loss whose grief is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly observed can experience disenfranchised grief, including survivors in a pandemic. When the number of people who die of a single virus is extremely high, one may feel that their loved one’s death did not receive attention or was only being treated as a statistic. Here are steps to take to overcome disenfranchised grief: Practice emotional self-care - identify your losses and validate your feelings about them Continue to ask for support from the friends and family Plan memorials and tributes to your loved one, as soon as possible. Separated From Your Loved One at the Time of Their Death There are no words possible to erase the pain you may be feeling at not being with your loved one during their death, but it can be helpful to remember that a life is far more than its endpoint. The life of your loved one was made up of millions of moments, including moments of laughter, happiness, and joy, many of which you shared with them. Remembering these shared moments now might help you remind yourself that you carry your whole relationship with your loved one with you as you move forward with your grief.Right now, you may feel upset because they had to die without the benefit of family and friends at their side. That feeling is understandable. Know, though, that they did not die alone. Their death was witnessed and felt by compassionate nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals who sought to surround them with care and comfort. And, importantly, they died while wrapped in the love they felt for you and from you throughout their life. Support Your Health While Grieving Taking steps that value your physical and emotional health is crucial while working through your loss. Some strategies include: Routine – establishing and maintaining a routine to help you take some control over your daily life Nourishment – try to eat healthy, nutrient-rich foods and drink plenty of water Limiting alcohol and drugs – abusing alcohol or drugs can endanger your health while also hindering your grieving process Exercise – engaging in physical movement, even a short walk can be helpful to your well-being Sleep – try to rest your mind and body even if you are experiencing sleep disturbances Mental health checks – “check in” with yourself and your feelings at least twice a day Mood changes – If you are experiencing mood changes, practice deep breathing and remove yourself from the environment in which you are experiencing them if possible. Seeking support – consider finding bereavement support that suits you on this website. There are plenty of options available here - from peer support groups to counselling - and you really don't need to sit on a waiting list. Find Support Here. Conclusions and Beginnings I encourage you to reflect on memories with your loved one and the particular gifts they brought to your life. We do not get over grief, we get through it. It is important that we honour our dead and share our grief into the future. Our love for those we have lost will not end. After a death, we move forward into a world that has changed personally and permanently, but we do not leave our loved ones behind. We carry them with us, with the knowledge that our bonds cannot be broken, even by death. About the Author Sara Murphy, PhD, CT, is a death educator and certified thanatologist (Association for Death Education and Counselling). Dr. Murphy teaches at the University of Rhode Island and conducts workshops and seminars on death, dying, and bereavement nationwide for professional organisations, schools, and community groups. Useful helplines and links: Have a look at this short film AtaLoss has produced to help you find bereavement support on our website. After watching, click on the button above to search the support available across the UK. View the film here If you are feeling depressed you might find this short film on depression and advice on managing it helpful. See the resources section on this website which has many helpful reads about grief, how to help children and teenagers, reflective material, questions about faith in bereavement, and many other subjects that will support you on your bereavement journey.
Covid:Aid A charity established to provide a comprehensive hub of support and information for anyone significantly affected by Covid-19 across the UK. Covid:Aid is an AtaLoss Associate. Expand Covid:Aid is the UK’s national charity dedicated to supporting those significantly affected by Covid-19, and is available for people throughout the pandemic and beyond. They provide a range of support including online bereavement counselling specifically for people who have been bereaved by Covid-19, advice and information on loss and grief, a support community featuring live events, plus they signpost to the best places for additional support on a wide range of Covid-related issues. The website offers a comprehensive well of advice on all issues relating to Covid-19. Website: https://covidaidcharity.org Email: [email protected]
Helplines and useful contacts Helplines you can use and links to helpful websites Expand The NHS has set up an emergency helpline for anyone whose loved one has died in hospital. NHS HelpLine Cruse Freephone National Helpline on 0808 808 1677. FRONTLINE for Key Workers, Emergency Services, Care workers, Health workers Partnership between Shout, Mind, Hospice UK and The Royal Foundation to provide 'Frontline' which offers round-the-clock one-to-one support, by call or text, from trained volunteers, plus resources, tips and ideas to look after your mental health. Call 116 123 from elsewhere in the UK to talk. Or visit the website for full range of services. Samaritans helpline: Phone 116123. Available any time of the day or night. Welsh speakers are also available. The Samaritans website also has advice and resources for looking after your mental health during the Coronavirus pandemic and other ways to get help. Childline on 0800 11 11 for 24-hour confidential support to children and young people up to the 19th birthday. CHILD BEREAVEMENT UK provides helpful support and advice about supporting bereaved children at this difficult time. WINSTONS WISH offers great advice on how to help children at this time. How to tell them someone has died, how to talk to them about the pandemic and also a helpline if you need to ask for advice. CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight) support men anywhere in the UK. Webchat service also available. Man to Man is a new peer support service set up to help bereaved men between 18 and 35. CASS on 0808 800 8088 (Mon - Thu from 7pm-10pm) for women looking for confidential and anonymous self-injury support. PAPYRUS on 0800 068 4141 (Weekdays from 10am-10pm, Weekends from 2pm-10pm and Bank Holidays from 2pm-5pm) for confidential advice and support. Young Minds on 85258 for 24/7 crisis support. Text YM to 85258. (Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus). Sudden can help when someone has died suddenly, or too soon in their life, because of a sudden medical reason (including COVID-19), or terminal illness injuries, caused by something that happened suicide Call Sudden on 08002600400 Dying Matters have also launched the #BeforeTheirTime campaign, to enable people to share experiences, talk through concerns and share social media messages of solidarity at this difficult time. You can also join a number of Facebook groups set up by and for those who have lost loved ones during the pandemic. You can browse these here.
How to hold your own memorial Some ideas to celebrate the life of a friend, relation or colleague if you can't attend the funeral Expand There may be any number of reasons why you may not be able to attend a funeral at any time. If the person who died is important to you, you may wish to try some of the following ideas to help you navigate the feelings of loss and disappointment if you are unable to join other mourners. Prepare In preparation, take the time to think about simple things that would be meaningful both to you and to the person who has died. Try to be creative in small but special ways. Is there something that they really enjoyed that you could include: a piece of music, a treasured photo or memento of happier times, even the scarf from the football team they supported? Is there something you could read about them that reflects who they are? Perhaps you could write about them and have it ready to read out? Select a place where you will sit and be still and decide on the length of time you will be there. If you know when the funeral is to be you may like to hold your memorial at the same time. If you are alone, call a family member or a friend and let them know at what time you will be observing the funeral. They may be willing to ‘join’ you at the same time either with technology, or in spirit wherever they are situated. Block out the time to coincide with the funeral At the designated time, you could light a small candle to mark the beginning of your ‘presence’ at the funeral. You could write down some thoughts or special memories as they occur to you, or simply speak them out gently, alone or with those who live with you and read out what you have prepared. If there are children in the household, do involve them. Let them prepare drawings or things to say, let them see tears and also laugh at the quirky memories. Answer their questions as truthfully as you can for their age. When you reach the end of your allotted time, say something in conclusion and blow out the candle. There will not, of course be the usual gathering of friends over a cup of tea or a glass of beer, but you could nonetheless make yourself something nice to eat and drink and perhaps toast the life of the friend you have lost. Creating a memorial Finally, begin to think of what you might do to say goodbye with others in the future. If you are the organiser, you have time to think about this and discuss it with others to ensure it encapsulates all you would want to say about the person and what you would like to do yourselves to say goodbye. You might like to plant a tree, bury or scatter ashes, put up a plaque, create a memory album or hold a service in church. You may not have been able to be at the actual moment of the funeral but your goodbye and marking of their life can be just as meaningful and special. If you are a friend or colleague, suggest to others that you do something together to mark the life lost and ask for ideas. They may have been unable to attend the funeral themselves and will be grateful for the opportunity to do something and help you create something memorable.