1. What to do if you are bereaved during the Coronavirus Pandemic Thoughts and ideas to help you feel less alone Expand Grieving in a Pandemic We are so very sorry you have lost someone dear to you at this very difficult moment in our national life. Whether they have died of Coronavirus or another way, you are facing something unimaginable and unprecedented which will leave you feeling devastated and powerless. Sara Murphy has produced a booklet to help those who have been bereaved during the pandemic. The following text is an extract from her booklet which we hope you find useful. The Nature of Grief Grief is our emotional response to loss. Many emotions, including anger, guilt, sadness, depression, loneliness, hopelessness, and numbness may be present after the death of a loved one. While grief is a universal experience and all of us will experience grief many times over the course of our lives, every grief experience is also unique. We do not grieve in the same way over different losses, and individual survivors grieve the death of one person differently.At this particularly difficult time, it is important that you give yourself permission to feel the emotions you are feeling, which may change from day to day or even from one moment to the next. There is no “wrong” or “right” way to grieve because your emotions reflect both your special relationship to your loved one and the circumstances of their death. Traumatic Loss Losing a loved one in the midst of this pandemic is a traumatic experience. If we lose someone suddenly, or if we were not able to be with them while they were dying, our grief responses are complicated by the traumatic nature of the loss. Survivors may feel overwhelmed with thoughts of their loved one’s death. They may experience intense distress in yearning or searching for the deceased due to their sudden separation. The bereaved may also experience emotional distress along with their other grief emotions, including feelings of emptiness, disbelief, and distrust in other people.If you are experiencing any of these feelings, know that they are normal responses to the abnormal circumstances of your loss and that, with time and support, they will lessen. Talking about these feelings with close family and friends may help you recognise, sort out, and understand your emotional responses to loss and to trauma. Traumatic Loss Triggers A loved one’s death during this pandemic can lead to both grief and trauma, which may cause survivors to experience triggers of their loss that can temporarily disrupt them as they begin their mourning process.A trigger can be anything that provokes distressing memories of the loss – from an image on the news or the sound of a phone ringing, to the sight of a loved one’s clothing or the scent of their perfume. When we are confronted with a traumatic loss trigger, we might feel immediate, high levels of fear and anxiety, like being suddenly on guard, or physical reactions, such as our heart pounding, our palms sweating, or our mouth going dry.As a survivor, you might be experiencing some of these responses or other kinds of responses to triggers that cause distress. Responses to trauma vary, and everyone’s reaction is different. Even painful reminders of your loss experience are all ways in which the mind and the body are trying to process your loss and integrate it into your life. While your instinct might be to try to avoid potential triggers, you should try not to isolate in your grief. Most people who experience traumatic loss triggers will find that they gradually lessen over a period of days to months. Ambiguous Losses Grief following a loved one’s death can be complicated during this public health crisis because we are all experiencing non-death losses at the same time. Some may be concrete and easy to identify, such as financial or employment insecurity and lack of social interaction. Other losses might be harder to recognise, like no longer having the comfort of our normal routines or freedom of movement in public spaces.We may also be experiencing the losses of our “assumptive world” – the set of core beliefs that stabilise, ground, and orient us and make us feel secure in our daily lives. Pandemic, like other forms of traumatic and mass casualty events, can threaten our belief that the world is, or ever will be, a safe and secure place.Grieving a death while dealing with non-death losses can feel overwhelming for several reasons: Many of the non-death losses you are experiencing may have directly impacted the degree to which you could be with your loved one prior to their death, which might prompt feelings of anger and regret The death may make the effects of your non-death losses feel stronger, particularly losses of interaction and movement You might feel that your grief isn’t being recognised and supported as it would have been if your loved one had died at another time because everyone is currently experiencing non-death losses While you grieve your loved one, try to recognise and validate the other losses you are experiencing as a way of making sense of how these losses impact one another for you personally. Risk of Disenfranchised Grief In addition to other complications to grieving the loss of a loved one during this pandemic, survivors are at risk of experiencing disenfranchised grief. Anyone suffering a loss whose grief is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly observed can experience disenfranchised grief, including survivors in a pandemic. When the number of people who die of a single virus is extremely high, one may feel that their loved one’s death is not receiving attention or is only being treated as a statistic.Your grief responses may include feelings of helplessness and powerlessness if you believe that your individual loss is not being acknowledged, validated, or treated with care. Here are steps to take to reduce these effects: Practice emotional self-care by identifying your losses and validating your feelings about them Ask for support from the friends and family who will respect and listen to your individual grief experiences without giving you unsolicited advice Plan memorials and tributes to your loved one, both now and in the future, that will help you feel recognised and acknowledged in your grief If You Were Separated From Your Loved One at the Time of Their Death If you were unable to be with your loved one while they were sick or could not be with them when they died, you may feel robbed or cheated of time with them in their end-of-life moments. You may feel angry that the coronavirus pandemic required protocols that kept you from being at their side, and you may feel disoriented in beginning to mourn while wrestling with these circumstances. All of these feelings are justified, and nothing about your experience was deserved.There are no words possible to erase the pain you may be feeling at not being with your loved one during their death, but it can be helpful to remember that a life is far more than its endpoint. The life of your loved one was made up of millions of moments, including moments of laughter, happiness, and joy, many of which you shared with them. Remembering these shared moments might help you remind yourself that you carry your whole relationship with your loved one with you as you move forward with your grief.While dying is essentially a process that each of us does on our own, it is natural to want to be with someone meaningful to us when they are dying. Being present in their final days and hours allows us to prepare for the loss we will experience and also to provide comfort to them. Right now, you may feel upset on behalf of your loved one because they had to die without the benefit of family and friends at their side. That feeling is understandable. Know, though, that they did not die alone. Their death was witnessed and felt by compassionate nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals who sought to surround them with care and comfort. And, importantly, they died while wrapped in the love they felt for you and from you throughout their life. Supporting Your Health While Grieving Taking steps that value your physical and emotional health is crucial while working through the early days and weeks of your loss during this pandemic. Some strategies include: Safety – follow the recommendations of experts to slow the spread of the coronavirus and minimise your chance of contracting it Routine – particularly in this stressful time, establishing and maintaining a routine can help you take some control over your daily life Nourishment – try to eat healthy, nutrient-rich foods and drink plenty of water Limiting alcohol – abusing alcohol or other substances can endanger your health while also hindering your grieving process Exercise – engaging in physical movement, even a short walk that adheres to social distancing regulations, can be helpful to your well-being Sleep – maintaining stable sleep patterns right after a traumatic loss isn’t always possible, but you should try to rest your mind and body even if you are experiencing sleep disturbances Mental health checks – “check in” with yourself and your feelings at least twice a day and more frequently whenever you are feeling particularly overwhelmed by grief Mood changes – traumatic loss can lead to rapid and upsetting mood changes. If you are experiencing mood changes, practice deep breathing and remove yourself from the environment (virtual or physical) in which you are experiencing them if possible News media – Make a pact with your family – or with yourself – that you will obtain news at certain, limited points of the day instead of watching repeated and stressful information all day long Seek support – whether through a phone call to a trusted friend, a tele-meeting with a grief counsellor, or a video chat with a distanced family member to reminisce about your loved one, it is important that you obtain the support you deserve Conclusions and Beginnings Losing a loved one is hard under normal circumstances and experiencing the loss of your loved one during this pandemic is extraordinarily difficult. As you begin your grief journey, I encourage you to reflect on memories with your loved one and the particular gifts they brought to your life. We do not get over grief, we get through it. It is important that we honour our dead and share our grief into the future. This pandemic will end, but our love for those we have lost will not. After a death, we move forward into a world that has changed personally and permanently, but we do not leave our loved ones behind. We carry them with us, with the knowledge that our bonds cannot be broken, even by death. About the Author Sara Murphy, PhD, CT, is a death educator and certified thanatologist (Association for Death Education and Counselling). Dr. Murphy teaches at the University of Rhode Island and conducts workshops and seminars on death, dying, and bereavement nationwide for professional organisations, schools, and community groups. Useful helplines and links: Have a look at this short film on grief produced by the Loss Foundation. It will help you to understand what grief is and make sense of what you might be experiencing. If you are feeling depressed you might find this short film on depression and advice on managing it helpful. See the resources section on this website which has many helpful reads about grief, how to help children and teenagers, reflective material, questions about faith in bereavement, and many other subjects that will support you on your bereavement journey. You may find the British Psychological Society leaflet about supporting yourself and others following bereavement during the Coronavirus lockdown useful. Find the leaflet HERE
2. How to help someone bereaved during the Coronavirus pandemic Support for those supporting a bereaved person at this time and a short film to share Expand If you know someone who has been bereaved at this time they need your help. We have prepared below an easy to remember summary of what you can do both in film and written form. Do refer people to these pages and this film (you could share from our social media) so that as many people as possible get to hear how they can help: CONTACT Dare to get in touch. The bereaved need support - but most people step back for fear of not knowing what to say. Send a card, letter, message, flowers or gift, saying you are sorry about their loss and thinking of them, sharing (if you knew the person) your photos, what you remember of the person and how they will be missed. Say you don’t expect them to respond. Call Phone (don't video call). Be aware they may not want to answer when you do. If so, leave a message, saying you’ll call again and when and that it’s okay not to pick up. Make sure you do, and continue, leaving a message as before. Offer practical help Shopping, meals, dog walking, gardening - whatever daily tasks might be possible for you to do. Make suggestions about what and when, rather than expect them to think and approach you. Even at a distance you could do admin or phone people for them. LISTEN Don’t think that you know. Every bereavement is different and reactions are likely to change. Even if you’ve been bereaved yourself or been trained in grief you don’t know what this person is going through or what they’re experiencing now. Ask. Ask about the person who has died and what happened, and about their feelings and issues. Listen carefully and ask again and again. The more they tell their story, the more they will process their loss. Don’t give solutions. Your ideas of what will make them feel better are yours and not theirs and assuring them that time will heal or things will improve may belittle what they are facing now. Hear the problems and reactions. Say they are normal and acknowledge their pain. BLESS Shower with good things. Continually say, do and give things that make the grieving person feel special and loved. This can make life feel worth living. Ensure it’s not just you. Make sure others are around supporting too and that the person finds as much other help as possible, especially from specialist services (find services through this website) Finding peer support can be really helpful and seeing that those people are ‘surviving’ can often bring genuine hope. Keep it up. Be prepared to support for the long haul. The grief journey is usually long and can be complicated. It will often get worse before it gets better, but most support will drop away after a few weeks. Use this as your opportunity to find out more about how to be alongside the person through all of their grief journey and pain (see the resources page on this website). If you need support in doing this please do contact the on-line professional counselling support, GriefChat via this website. The British Psychological Society have produced this leaflet about supporting yourself and others following bereavement during the Coronavirus lockdown. Find the leaflet HERE
3. UK funerals during the Coronavirus pandemic Advice and support if you are arranging a funeral Expand Planning Funerals as at 11th August 2020 - Subject to change in different parts of the country While funerals have currently been excluded from the ban on events taking place, funeral services are tightly restricted to minimise the risk of transmitting Covid-19 between those in attendance, funeral directors and crematoria staff. It has been agreed that funerals can be held in churches in England from 15th June providing the individual churches can undertake the necessary risk assessment and cleaning. Churches will make their own decisions about hosting funerals in conjunction with the Diocesan office in each case. (Information about church funerals in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland can be found below.) Numbers attending will likely to be remain limited. Numbers permitted to attend has been 10 in most crematoria during the lockdown from March but is being relaxed in some areas to permit 20 as we ease out of lockdown. Please check with your Funeral Director what the arrangements are in your local crematorium as these now vary across the country and could change again if the infection rate increases. Variations have emerged across the UK, depending on infection rates and also different Government rules in the four countries. If you are currently planning a funeral please be prepared for the following to still apply; Funerals should be arranged over the phone if at all possible. Funeral Directors may currently allow you to be able to permit a visit to the Chapel of Rest although this will be restricted in time and number of visitors. You must comply with any hygiene rules in place and at-risk groups (Persons over the age of 70 years or those of any age with underlying health problems) should not visit. Please note, not all Funeral Directors will permit viewings. There has been a restriction on the use of limousines and during the lockdown these have only been used if there is no alternative option. If used, they will only be used to carry those living in the same household (in line with social distancing guidance) and limiting numbers transported in order to protect the driver. Families are being asked not to publicly advertise the funeral details to reduce the risk of other, well-meaning mourners arriving unexpectedly as they will be turned away at the door, which could be distressing for them and the bereaved family. It may not be possible to dress your loved in his or her own clothes. Family members will not be permitted to carry or touch the coffin. Flowers may not be permitted. During funeral services at this time, mourners will be required to remain two metres apart from anyone not living in their household at all times and to refrain from making physical contact with anyone outside of their own household, including other family members. Social distancing must be observed at all times. All charitable collections will be done online. In Wales, crematoria are permitting 20 mourners and strictly enforcing social distancing. Church funerals are permitted from 16 July but only simple services. Graveside funerals permit 30 mourners by invitation of the bereaved family. No singing or organ playing is permitted in Church of Wales churches. For more information about the regulations regarding church funerals in Wales visit Church in Wales. In Scotland Churches are permitted to host funeral services if the building has been approved to reopen. The final decision of whether funeral services take place in church buildings is the responsibility of the Minister or Interim Moderator. As not all buildings have been approved to reopen you are advised to contact your local church or ask your funeral director to make contact. The attendance at a funeral service must be limited to a maximum of 20 people whether it is held inside or at graveside. No singing can take place although organ playing is permitted in Scotland. For more information about the regulations regarding church funerals in Scotland visit Church of Scotland . In Northern Ireland Funeral services can be conducted in a place of worship or in a funeral home. The size and circumstances of the venue will determine the maximum number that can attend the service safely whilst observing social distancing of at least two metres, wherever possible. It is recommended that face coverings are used for indoor services. For more information about the regulations regarding church funerals in Northern Ireland visit Church In Ireland. For more details about arranging funerals in your area, please contact your funeral director. Funeral Costs If you are worried about paying for a loved one’s funeral, please visit the Down to Earth website for help and advice. If you live in the Dundee/Fife/Angus/Kinross-shire area of Scotland, please visit www.funerallink.org.uk for help and advice.
4. What to do if you can't attend the funeral Suggestions for being part of the funeral even if you aren't present on the day Expand It is possible that, because of current restrictions, you may be unable to be present at the funeral of your loved one. In normal times, this is not something you could ever have imagined. The death may have taken place at home, or elsewhere in the UK, or indeed overseas, but wherever it occurred you may be finding that you cannot be present at this final and most important moment of farewell. Saying goodbye at a loved one’s funeral is a significant part of our relationship with them. We may dread it, of course, but we still want to be present and to get it ‘right’ as a fitting tribute to all that they were to us. A funeral also plays a very important part in accepting the reality of their death, so it is helpful to be involved and/or to mark the moment however we can. Here are some things you may be able to do i. Choose music It may be possible to choose the music you or your loved one would have liked for the service. ii. Live stream the service Ask your funeral director if the crematorium can live stream the service. This would enable those who can’t attend to feel part of it (yourself perhaps, included). iii. Audio or video record the service It may be possible for a relative who is attending or a member of the funeral director staff to record or video the event. Permission will be needed from the crematorium, but your funeral director will be able to advise. iv. Send a message for reading out You may be able to write or record a message to be read out or played at the funeral by the celebrant or minister. Contact your funeral director for advice. v. Place a message in the coffin You can still place special messages for your loved one in the coffin if you wish. vi. Ask about the funeral If others were able to attend, ask them to call you afterwards so that you can hear their account of the event, and take the time to share your memories of the person. vii. Hold your own memorial at home. Set aside the time while the funeral is taking place (or later) to hold your own act of memorial at home. Perhaps look at pictures, play some of the person’s favourite music, write a message to them, light a candle or follow any of your own cultural rituals. The Church of England website offers a place for lighting and keeping an on-line candle alight for your loved one. There are some helpful suggestions about holding your own memorial service here.
5. How to hold your own memorial Some ideas to celebrate your loved one if you can't attend the funeral Expand In preparation, take the time to think about simple things that would be meaningful both to you and to the person who has died. Try to be creative in small but special ways. Is there something that they really enjoyed that you could include: a piece of music, a treasured photo or memento of happier times, even the scarf from the football team they supported? Is there something you could read about them that reflects who they are? Perhaps you could write about them and have it ready to read out? If you and/or your loved one are Christian, the Church of England website has some suggestions for things you can do as well as prayers that you may find helpful. Select a place where you will sit and be still and decide on the length of time you will be there. If you know when the funeral is to be you may like to hold your memorial at the same time. If you are alone, call a family member or a friend and let them know at what time you will be observing the funeral. They may be willing to ‘join’ you at the same time either with technology, or in spirit wherever they are situated. At the designated time, you could light a small candle to mark the beginning of your ‘presence’ at the funeral. You could write down some thoughts or special memories as they occur to you, or simply speak them out gently, alone or with those who live with you and read out what you have prepared. If there are children in the household, do involve them. Let them prepare drawings or things to say, let them see tears and also laugh at the quirky memories. Answer their questions as truthfully as you can for their age. When you reach the end of your allotted time, say something in conclusion and blow out the candle. There will not, of course be the usual gathering of friends over a cup of tea or a glass of beer, but you could nonetheless make yourself something nice to eat and drink, and share with anyone who is with you or telephone someone you feel close to and invite them to share a few memories with you. It is a sad fact that many people around our country, and indeed the world, are facing the death of a loved one at this moment and so perhaps spare a moment to think of or pray for them as well. We are united in grief and in love, even though we may not know each other personally. Finally, begin to think of what you might do to say goodbye with others in the future. Funeral directors, ministers and celebrants understand the need to say goodbye and are likely to be willing to cooperate with you over your wishes for a special memorial that you could hold with others when it is possible to meet again. You have time to think about this and discuss it with others to ensure it encapsulates all you would want to say about the person and what you would like to do yourselves to say goodbye. You might like to plant a tree, bury or scatter ashes, put up a plaque, create a memory album or hold a service in church. You may not have been able to be at the actual moment of the funeral but your goodbye and marking of their life can be just as meaningful and special.
6. Helplines and useful contacts Helplines you can use and links to helpful websites Expand The NHS has set up an emergency helpline for anyone whose loved one has died in hospital. NHS HelpLine Cruse Freephone National Helpline on 0808 808 1677. FRONTLINE for Key Workers, Emergency Services, Care workers, Health workers Partnership between Shout, Mind, Hospice UK and The Royal Foundation to provide 'Frontline' which offers round-the-clock one-to-one support, by call or text, from trained volunteers, plus resources, tips and ideas to look after your mental health. Call 116 123 from elsewhere in the UK to talk. Or visit the website for full range of services. Samaritans helpline: Phone 116123. Available any time of the day or night. Welsh speakers are also available. The Samaritans website also has advice and resources for looking after your mental health during the Coronavirus pandemic and other ways to get help. Childline on 0800 11 11 for 24-hour confidential support to children and young people up to the 19th birthday. CHILD BEREAVEMENT UK provides helpful support and advice about supporting bereaved children at this difficult time. WINSTONS WISH offers great advice on how to help children at this time. How to tell them someone has died, how to talk to them about the pandemic and also a helpline if you need to ask for advice. CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight) support men anywhere in the UK. Webchat service also available. CASS on 0808 800 8088 (Mon - Thu from 7pm-10pm) for women looking for confidential and anonymous self-injury support. PAPYRUS on 0800 068 4141 (Weekdays from 10am-10pm, Weekends from 2pm-10pm and Bank Holidays from 2pm-5pm) for confidential advice and support. Young Minds on 85258 for 24/7 crisis support. Text YM to 85258. (Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus) Dying Matters have also launched the #BeforeTheirTime campaign, to enable people to share experiences, talk through concerns and share social media messages of solidarity at this difficult time.
7. Supporting children through the Coronavirus pandemic What to say to children and how to support them if they are bereaved. Expand Frightening events widely reported in the media, such as the coronavirus pandemic, can cause children to worry about themselves and others. It is normal for children to feel unsettled when something scary is happening or has happened, and many will be upset, sad or fearful at times. Children who have been bereaved are likely to show a stronger reaction and may worry that they or someone they know will die. Here is a lovely little film produced by the Belfast Trust about helping young children to say goodbye when they have lost someone during the Coronavirus pandemic. Useful resources There are several articles and videos on BBC Newsround aimed at children which are regularly updated, including questions children are asking about going back to school. The following stories are particularly relevant. Coronavirus: What is being done to tackle the virus? Coronavirus: Elbow bumps and footshakes – alternative handshakes Coronavirus: Your questions answered Coronavirus: Keep it simple, stick to facts – how parents should tell kids We have found this free information book explaining the Coronavirus to children, illustrated by Gruffalo illustrator Axel Scheffler. Free for anyone to read on screen or print out (but with an invitation to donate to NHS charities), the book is all about the coronavirus and the measures taken to control it in language suitable for 5-9 year olds. Here's the link to download it. Coronavirus: A book for children Child Bereavement UK offers advice about supporting children through the pandemic. You can view their short guidance film on supporting bereaved children and download their leaflet here. Child Bereavement UK The Child Bereavement UK Helpline continues to operate as normal, providing confidential support, information and guidance to families and professionals. CALL 0800 02 888 40 Child Bereavement UK WEBSITE Email [email protected] Other useful links and helplines for children and young people Childline on 0800 11 11 for 24-hour confidential support to children and young people up to the 19th birthday. WINSTONS WISH offers great advice on how to help children at this time. How to tell them someone has died, how to talk to them about the pandemic and also a helpline if you need to ask for advice. Young Minds on 85258 for 24/7 crisis support. Text YM to 85258. (Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus)
Grieving Alone and Together: Responding to the loss of your loved one during the COVID-19 pandemic WEBPAGE: Text from Grieving Alone and Together: Responding to the Loss of Your Loved One During the COVID-19 Expand Grieving in a pandemicChildren and GriefIf you were separated from your loved one at the time of their deathPlanning funeral and memorialSupporting your health while grievingConclusions and beginningsText taken from Grieving Alone and Together. By Sara Murphy PHD, CTWEBSITE LINKBooklet available free https://bit.ly/grievingalone
Psychological First Aid (PFA) TRAINING: Training for supporting people during emergencies and offers guidance on delivering psychosocial care in the immediate aftermath of the emergency event, such as the Covid-19 Pandemic. This course has been produced by Public Health England and is based on international guidance from the World Health Organisation, United Nations and partners. Expand Psychological First Aid (PFA) is the globally recommended training for supporting people during emergencies and offers guidance on delivering psychosocial care in the immediate aftermath of the emergency event. On this course, you’ll explore the psychological impact of the COVID-19 pandemic and what you can do to help people cope. The course will teach you the key principles of giving psychological first aid in emergencies. Who is this for? This course is aimed at frontline or essential workers and volunteers dealing with the public during the COVID-19 pandemic. You do not have to be a specialist to deliver PFA. Many people in helping roles will already be delivering PFA without realising it. Those who may benefit from this training include: health and social care staff, first responders e.g. police, ambulance, firefighters, frontline public-sector staff e.g. working in housing and employment services, essential workers e.g. those working in food delivery, funeral care, sanitation, community leaders and groups, volunteers, supervisors and managers supporting staff or volunteers. Those working with children and young people may benefit from more specific training, such as MindEd Courses are available to start now (June 2020) FUTURE LEARN WEBSITE