4. What to do if you can't attend the funeral It is possible that, because of current restrictions, you may be unable to be present at the funeral of your loved one. In normal times, this is not something you could ever have imagined. The death may have taken place at home, or elsewhere in the UK, or indeed overseas, but wherever it occurred you may be finding that you cannot be present at this final and most important moment of farewell. Saying goodbye at a loved one’s funeral is a significant part of our relationship with them. We may dread it, of course, but we still want to be present and to get it ‘right’ as a fitting tribute to all that they were to us. A funeral also plays a very important part in accepting the reality of their death, so it is helpful to be involved and/or to mark the moment however we can. Here are some things you may be able to do i. Choose music It may be possible to choose the music you or your loved one would have liked for the service. ii. Live stream the service Ask your funeral director if the crematorium can live stream the service. This would enable those who can’t attend to feel part of it (yourself perhaps, included). iii. Audio or video record the service It may be possible for a relative who is attending or a member of the funeral director staff to record or video the event. Permission will be needed from the crematorium, but your funeral director will be able to advise. iv. Send a message for reading out You may be able to write or record a message to be read out or played at the funeral by the celebrant or minister. Contact your funeral director for advice. v. Place a message in the coffin You can still place special messages for your loved one in the coffin if you wish. vi. Ask about the funeral If others were able to attend, ask them to call you afterwards so that you can hear their account of the event, and take the time to share your memories of the person. vii. Hold your own memorial at home. Set aside the time while the funeral is taking place (or later) to hold your own act of memorial at home. Perhaps look at pictures, play some of the person’s favourite music, write a message to them, light a candle or follow any of your own cultural rituals. The Church of England website offers a place for lighting and keeping an on-line candle alight for your loved one. There are some helpful suggestions about holding your own memorial service here.