Remembrance: Honouring the Fallen - and Supporting those Bereaved
Author: AtaLoss, Naomi Whittaker-Smith, Padre Mark Perry
Overview: This season of remembrance, we honour those who gave their lives and the families who live with their loss - sharing reflections from bereaved mother Naomi Whittaker-Smith and Padre Mark Perry.
Remembrance: Honouring the Fallen and Supporting those Bereaved
In this season of remembrance, our nation pauses to honour those who gave their lives in service to others. Yet for many, remembrance is not confined to one day or even one season. For those who have lost someone they love in the Armed Forces, remembrance is part of every day that follows.
We draw on the experiences of Naomi Whittaker-Smith, a bereaved mother whose son, Private Joe Whittaker, died in active service in Afghanistan and our Ambassador and Subject Matter Expert on Forces Bereavement Padre Mark Perry. Together, their reflections remind us that remembrance is about honouring both the fallen and those who continue to live with their loss.
Remembering and Living with Loss
Naomi writes ‘To lose a child is the most dreadful experience imaginable, for anyone, in any circumstances.
When you lose a son or daughter in the Armed Forces there are some things that may affect bereavement slightly differently.
When my son was killed on active service there was no opportunity to travel to a war zone to see for myself the place where he died. This can be helpful to process the loss. Also, I wasn’t expecting him home so there was disbelief that what I was told was true. I kept thinking it’s all a mistake and my son would come home.
For a parent of a young soldier there is immense pride, and respect for their willingness to serve their country. My son had clear reasons for doing as he did and had a promising career ahead of him as an officer in the British Army. But when he was killed in action at 20 years old there remains a regret that his choices led him to a dangerous place. Grief and loss is compounded when you reflect on how things could have been different had he chosen a different career.
Also, when you lose a family member in sudden traumatic circumstances, such as on active service, there can be a deep seated fear of something dreadful happening to other loved ones, particularly if you have other sons/daughters on deployments as I have. This is something I constantly experience as a result of bereavement.
On a more positive note, my son belonged to another family beyond my own. His regiment have embraced us, included us and cared for us. The support and love we have received from our regimental family over the years has been outstanding and I know that my son will not be forgotten.’
The Complex Emotions of Military Grief
Padre Mark Perry agrees that for parents, spouses and children of service personnel, grief often carries layers of complexity.
Mark reflects ‘Every year, as the nation gathers to honour those who gave their lives in service, our thoughts also turn to the families who live daily with their loss. For them, remembrance is not confined to one period of the year, it’s a thread woven through every day that follows.
Bereavement in the Armed Forces community brings a unique set of challenges. Having served both within and alongside military families, I’ve seen their remarkable resilience and the hidden struggles that can follow the death of a loved one in service.
We know that no two grief journeys are the same, yet those bereaved through military service often face complex layers of pain and adjustment. Finding the right military bereavement support from people who truly understand can make a lasting difference.’
Where to Find Help and Hope
If you or someone you know has been bereaved through military service, there are many organisations ready to help, some of which are listed below:
AtaLoss.org – The national signposting website connecting people to over 2,000 bereavement services, including dedicated Armed Forces grief support.
The Bereavement Journey® – A structured, peer led course (run locally and online) helping people make sense of loss and rebuild their lives.
SSAFA Bereavement Support Groups – Peer support for families and partners of those who have died while serving.
Scotty’s Little Soldiers – Supporting children and young people who have lost a parent serving in the British Armed Forces.
RAF Widows' Association – Provides emotional and financial advice for spouses and partners of deceased RAF personnel.
Chaplaincy Services – Providing spiritual care and pastoral support to military personnel and their families, whatever their faith or beliefs.
A Final Word
As a nation, we rightly honour those who gave their lives for others. But true remembrance also means walking alongside those who grieve — listening, supporting, and helping them find hope again.
Naomi’s courage in sharing her story, and Padre Mark’s insight into the hidden struggles of military families, remind us that remembrance is about both sacrifice and survival, honour and healing.
If you have been bereaved through military service, please know that help is available and hope is real. With the right support, grief can lead not only to survival, but to growth, connection, and renewed purpose.
Visit our bereavement services page to find the support for bereaved military families that’s right for you.
Latest Articles
