*Bereaved by addiction or substance abuse Finding support and how to give support to anyone bereaved by addiction and substance abuse Expand Looking after yourself following the death of friend, colleague or family member through drug use Losing a loved one through drug use is a terribly difficult experience. Perhaps you didn’t know that your relative/friend was using drugs or perhaps it’s a problem you’ve been fighting for years. Whatever your situation, it might be that you feel you cannot cope with all that it entails, but please be assured there is support for you, and when you feel ready, do everything you can to access it. You will find details of organisations offering help by following the links on this website. Speaking or being with others who understand can be very helpful. Bereavement is often experienced as a very isolating and lonely event and loss through drugs is no exception. If anything, feelings of loneliness and isolation are often more severe, because you find yourself in a situation which not many can relate to, and you wonder who will understand the depth of pain you are feeling. It is possible that you are afraid your loved one will be judged for having made poor choices, or that you yourself fear being judged for having failed as a parent, partner, sibling or friend. Maybe you are judging yourself. Many of us have struggled with anxieties like these. Sadly, feelings of shame and stigma which attach to the bereaved are only too common after deaths through drugs, and is a sign that society has so far failed to grasp the complexity that lies behind drug use and addiction. You will know from your experience that there are no quick fixes, and if there were, you would have done anything you could to prevent this outcome. A few suggestions to help yourself. + Look for support as soon as you can. Don’t be alone with this pain. + Talk about your loved one with trusted people who will listen well. Tell your story, share your memories, happy or sad. Your loved one matters just as much as any other person who has died. You can also help yourself do this through writing poems or letters or through painting or drawing. Whatever works for you. +Show yourself kindness and compassion. You are living through a deeply traumatic life event and you will feel all sorts of physical manifestations, as well as emotional ones. You might find it hard to eat, experience pain and heaviness or extreme weariness, sleep badly or have nightmares amongst other physical effects. Your emotions are likely all over the place as well: anger, guilt, fear, disbelief, doubt, despair, anxiety and more. So there is an extra need for you to look after yourself and take it easy. Try not to expect too much of yourself. +If you’re able, take some daily exercise, walking or running or whatever works for you. Go outside into the garden or park and draw on the resources of the natural world. +It is likely that you will need to deal with police investigations and the coroner’s court. Most of us have no prior experience of this and there are websites which can help us with information. Ask questions and know what to expect, prepare yourself. +Don’t be surprised or frustrated if you find the struggle to cope goes on a long time. You can and will go on to live a fulfilling life again, though it won’t be the same life. The process of learning to live without your loved one after this severe body blow takes as long as it takes, so try not to heed the voices that suggest you ‘ought to be doing better’. And if that voice is your own, do your best to let the thought go and instead, listen to the voice of wisdom and kindness. Supporting a person who has been through drug addiction or Overdose A person bereaved by drugs needs the same support as anyone else, but it can be very hard for them to access that support. The reasons for this are complex. Sometimes the bereaved person feels deeply ashamed of what has happened, as if they, or the one who has died, is to blame. This sense of shame is very powerful and might prevent them from looking for help, for fear of the judgement of others, and a misplaced sense of being undeserving. They might feel stranded, wondering if they can risk going to general bereavement services, or who they dare tell about what has happened. Such feelings can lead to a sense of extreme isolation and abandonment. Bereavements by drugs are often complicated because + In many cases the person who dies is young. + Often the death is sudden and there is no chance to say goodbye. + It is possible that a relationship has been damaged, and trust broken by a person’s drug habit. Alternatively, the bereaved person/people may have known nothing about drug use, and it will likely come as an extra blow on top of the bereavement itself. + The distressing possibility that your loved one died alone and in fear, with no help to hand. + The stress of police involvement and an inquest at the coroner’s court. All of this might take months, which draws out a deeply painful experience. The Coroners Courts Support Service offer invaluable support to grieving families and friends caught up in inquests. FIND OUT MORE HERE + The interest of media may be an additional, intrusive factor. + However they happen, these kinds of deaths are frequently deeply shocking to loved ones, who may go on to suffer flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks and other distressing symptoms indicative of post-traumatic stress. A death by drugs remains a highly stigmatised event in our society, often provoking lurid headlines in the local press, and those who are affected can feel marked by it. You, as a supporter, have a vital role in coming alongside them and extending kindness in just the same way as you would after any other death. The bereaved person needs to know that you value the person who has died, and that you are non-judgemental and accepting of them, whatever the circumstances of their death. Be prepared to listen to the bereaved person’s story, as many times as they feel a need to tell it. This is immensely helpful, especially as too often, they find it hard to understand and are trying to put together a jigsaw of hidden or missing pieces. It might be that they had no awareness of the drug problem so are trying to grasp the meaning of it all. Others might have been struggling with the problems of drugs in the family for years, are worn down by it, and have been half expecting or dreading something like this to happen. That will not have stopped it being the most horrible shock when it did happen, however. Sometimes, an extended family struggle has caused the person who is bereaved to become cut off from their community and family friends, and all of this increases the terrible loneliness of grief. It is likely that the person you are supporting will feel highly emotional. They may well express strong feelings of guilt or anger, as they cast around looking for someone or something to blame. Such strongly felt emotions can be powerful and distressing, and you may feel out of your depth. Don't feel guilty about this - your role is to be there whenever and in whatever way your friend needs you and they will want to remain friends with you. It might be helpful to look for additional specialist support for your friend but assure them that you can stay alongside as well. You will be giving them something of immense value. Remember you can always suggest they look at AtaLoss.org - on their own or with you - to find support that can help. Author: Philippa Skinner
*Bereaved by an addiction? If you are worried that someone dear might harm themselves or alcohol, drugs or addiction has been the cause a bereavement in your family, there is a lot of support out there for you. Expand Every bereavement can be difficult and painful. But when someone we care for harms themselves or dies as a result of drugs or alcohol use or gambling addictions there are some common factors that can make it even harder. In addition, during their lifetime, you may have had to live with unanswered questions about your loved one’s use of drugs and alcohol. On 3rd August 2022 the Office of National Statistics published some concerning statistics about deaths in England and Wales caused by addiction/drug poisoning in 2021. Key points were: 4,859 deaths related to drug poisoning were registered in 2021 in England and Wales, equivalent to a rate of 84.4 deaths per million people; this is 6.2% higher than the rate recorded in 2020 (79.5 deaths per million). Among males, there were 115.1 drug poisoning deaths registered per million in 2021 (3,275 deaths), compared with 54.1 deaths per million among females (1,584 deaths). 3,060 drug poisoning deaths registered in 2021 were identified as drug misuse, accounting for 53.2 deaths per million people. Rates of drug misuse death continue to be elevated among those born in the 1970s, often referred to as “Generation X”, with the highest rate in those aged 45 to 49 years. The North East of England continues to have the highest rate of deaths relating to drug poisoning and drug misuse (163.4 deaths per million people and 104.1 per million, respectively); London had the lowest rate for drug poisonings (47.6 deaths per million people), and the East of England had the lowest rate for drug misuse (27.4 per million). The cause of death is reported as drug misuse or drug poisoning (overdose). We know that bereavement can be behind many social and health crises including crime, school dropout rates, debt and relationship breakdown. Bereavement (unresolved grief in particular) may also be one of the reasons why people start taking drugs and alcohol in the first place to numb the pain of their grief, sadly leading to addiction and sometimes death. This is why finding timely support is so important. It can be difficult to understand addiction and how someone can appear to put alcohol or drugs or gambling above friends and family. The BEAD Project offers the following to help us understand the complexities; Shame and stigma: Those of us who have lost a loved one to drugs or alcohol often feel that society is judging us, leading to a sense of shame and disgrace. People may assume that an addict had a choice, or that their addiction and death were their own fault. Many people will be understanding, but not knowing who is thinking like this can lead to us avoiding others and feeling isolated. Traumatic circumstances: When someone dies through drugs or alcohol it can be in traumatic circumstances. The police and other officials are often involved. There may be an inquest and a post-mortem which are stressful and delay funerals and memorials. We may have questions about how and why a loved one died which are never fully answered. Sometimes there is media interest which can be distressing and intrusive. Experiences before the death: Many people bereaved through alcohol or drugs have been living with an addiction in the family, sometimes for many years. When someone close is experiencing addiction it can make life very difficult: emotionally, practically and financially. Issues you faced beforehand can often carry over into bereavement. Suddenness and shock: Whether or not the death was expected or feared it can still feel like a devastating shock when it happens. Some people do not know beforehand that their loved one was using drugs or drinking too much and some loved ones may have only recently begun experimenting. Intensity of emotion: It can be very difficult to make sense of a death when it feels like it happened at the wrong time, and in the wrong way. Because of this, and the other factors which make bereavement through drugs and alcohol so difficult, we know it can be very, very painful. It can take a long time to work through and process this pain. If any of this resonates with you, whether you are the one taking the drugs or alcohol, or whether you are worried about someone else, please don't feel alone. You can get support from the organisations listed below. They are there to help anyone who is affected by addiction and to provide you with information and advice. Alcohol and Drugs: The BEAD Project DrugFam Gambling: Gambling with Lives General support and advice on addictions Alcohol Gambling and Drugs: https://www.drugfam.co.uk/ Alcohol and Drugs: https://adfam.org.uk/ Support for families of Alcoholics: https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ Substance abuse: https://www.re-solv.org/ For Children of Alcoholics: https://nacoa.org.uk/ Help for Punjabi families who struggle with Alcohol issues: https://www.nomorepretending.co.uk/about FREE Booklet to download This booklet - produced by Cruse Bereavement Care and DrugFam - is for anyone bereaved through drug or alcohol use, including parents, siblings, partners, grandparents, children, friends or anyone else. Through reading it, we hope you will find some ways to help you handle this difficult time a little more easily, and that you will realise you are not alone. Download from DrugFam website HERE Philippa Skinner has written about her own experience of losing her son to drugs. You can read more about how she grappled to cope, with her faith and to make sense of her bereavement in her poignant book 'See you soon'. Read more about her book and purchase it HERE Read Philippa's page on looking after yourself and others when bereaved by addiction or drug abuse HERE
*First Hand WEBSITE: Support for anyone who has witnessed the suicide of an unknown victim. Expand First Hand is for anyone affected by witnessing a suicide, when they did not know the person who has died. This may be because you happened to be at a particular location, or because your job involves responding to these incidents. The First Hand resource makes an important contribution to an area that is often neglected, frequently shrouded in stigma and something that people struggle to talk openly about. Its approach of using scenarios where people have witnessed suicide, with the feelings of desperation, guilt, shame, hopelessness and self-blame that they are often left with, is particularly helpful in making it as inclusive and relevant as possible. The website shares information and advice and is a helpful resource for anyone who finds themself in this situation. Support services to help you with the trauma of your experience are available on this website under the section HERE. Please use the filters to narrow down your search and put 'suicide' in the filter called circumstances of death. WEBSITE LINK
*Matthew Elvidge Trust A key organisation campaigning for support for those at risk of and bereaved by suicide Expand The Matthew Elvidge Trust was formed by the parents of Matthew Elvidge took his own life, aged just 23, after a very short period of anxiety and depression. The main objective of the Trust is to increase awareness and understanding of the importance of wellbeing and good mental health and ensure that everyone and particularly young people. The trust also aims to reduce the stigma of mental illness and fund and support organisations that work in the fields of suicide prevention. People bereaved or affected by suicide are not, proactively, offered support and therefore, in 2013, the Trust founded and funded the Support after Suicide Partnership, which has a Vision that ‘everyone bereaved or affected by suicide should be offered appropriate and timely support’. WEBSITE LINK EMAIL: [email protected]
*PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide Suicide Prevention Charity that works with people under 35 Expand Anyone can feel suicidal and it can be for any reason. Suicidal thoughts can occur even if life feels like it’s going well. This can lead to feelings of guilt; especially if you compare yourself to others who you imagine have it worse than you. Some people feel suicidal if they're struggling to come to terms with the death of someone else. The death might have happened under any circumstances but if you have been bereaved by suicide, you might have suicidal thoughts yourself. You may be finding it hard to talk to anyone about how you are struggling, or you are feeling hopeless about getting help. Papyrus is the national charity dedicated to the prevention of young suicide - the biggest cause of death in people under 35. They provide confidential support and advice to young people struggling with thoughts of suicide, and anyone worried about a young person through the helpline, HOPELINEUK. PAPYRUS has been a long standing member of the government advisory groups in England and Wales on suicide prevention matters. If you have suicidal thoughts or are worried about someone CONTACT HOPELINEUK ON 0800 068 41 41 WEBSITE LINK CONTACT: Email: [email protected] Telephone: 0800 068 41 41
*Training by ListeningPeople Training for youth leaders, teachers and professionals supporting young people. Expand ListeningPeople training and resources provide tools for teachers, youth workers, counsellors and anyone who works with young people to safely and confidently enable them to engage around the difficult topic of loss. Our training is led by Pete English. With over 25 years experience in working with young people and counselling in schools, Pete really does know what is like to support young people through difficult times. He is currently providing training on-line. On any of his workshops you will come away with tools to go away and use straight away, a heightened sense of the impact of hearing about loss on self and a whole host of new ideas! You can download our training leaflet from the box below. To find out when the next online workshops will be happening go to TRAINING Endorsements by professionals who have experienced ListeningPeople training: "What Pete doesn't know about young people and loss isn't worth knowing." Rachel Gardner, Youthscape "The training was professional, insightful and perfectly pitched for our setting." Joe Lowther, Kick London "I hadn’t expected to be putting this into practice so soon. Just had a phone call from our local church primary head teacher, a parent has taken her own life. Have you got any immediate pointers as to how we might practically support the school on Monday morning when this is such devastating, raw news for staff and children?" Pete advised this attendee by email. “Pete delivered the training in a way that enabled everyone in the room from very different professional and personal backgrounds to participate in it fully. He was calm and professional and gained people’s trust speedily through his knowledge and manner. He presented the material clearly and ensured that we understood it. There was a good balance of practical exercises and slides/written material.I would recommend Pete as a trainer/facilitator." Antonia Rowland, Volunteer at Number 72, Sudbury - Solicitor (SRA number 29891)"The whole area of loss and bereavement raises many sensitive issues and Pete quickly created a supportive and respectful learning environment in which to share and participate. He also brings with him a wealth of experience in small groups, mentoring and counselling which enrich the training. He placed the young person’s needs at the centre of the discussions, a great listener and generous in sharing resources, which promotes good practice and development for facilitators." Ant Cartwight, Senior Youthwork Coordinator Thanks so much! Great session again, so much amazing information and practical help. Can't thank you enough. Absolutely invaluable training. Kay Wilkinson - Youth Angels Coordinator. Download printed details about ListeningPeople training ListeningPeople_DL_AtaLoss_web.pdf
..Tough Stuff Journal: Someone has died A resource to help young people express and share their grief and feelings of loss when someone has died - endorsed by professionals in the field. Expand This is the latest member of the Tough Stuff Journal family - Someone has Died. This is aimed at supporting young people wrestling with the loss of someone close. The journal is designed to be used by a young person accompanied by a trusted adult - a parent or relative, youth worker, social worker or school mentor. The journal is designed deliberately in 'free form', can be written in and asks open questions to encourage the young person to reflect on and record their feelings about the loss. Purchase Price £5 + postage Available to order from our Online Shop The Tough Stuff journals have come into existence as a result of Pete’s work with young people over many years. Many of the ideas are credited to young people who he has worked alongside. Pete has worked with talented designers and illustrators to come up with the Tough Stuff journal - great resource which children and young people will want to pick up and work through with their teacher, a parent or counsellor. Julie Stokes OBE, founder of childhood bereavement charity, Winston’s Wish and author herself, expressed her appreciation of this resource saying; These booklets are deceptively difficult to write and I love the simplicity of your clear affinity to young people. I say this, Pete, having literally just finished a non fiction book for children and young people myself.
.Loss and Hope WEBSITE: Resources to equip churches of all denominations across the UK to help those grieving. Expand Loss and Hope is a coalition of Christian organisations seeking to help the Church support the bereaved – currently equipping churches across the UK to run The Bereavement Journey for those grieving in our nation. To discover where Churches are participating, click HERE WESBITE LINK Email: [email protected]
.Tough Stuff Journal: Parents Splitting Up A resource to help young people express and share their emotions and feelings of loss when parents separate Expand The first in our Tough Stuff Journal series, Pete English has produced a booklet for young people who are struggling with parental break up. For many young people this involves feelings of traumatic loss accompanied by emotions which are hard to handle. The journal is designed to be used by a young person accompanied by a trusted adult - a parent or relative, youth worker, social worker or school mentor. It is deliberately ‘free form’ and non- prescriptive in the way in which it can be completed, but has some guidelines at the back. It is useful for parents, youth workers, teachers or anyone working with young people. Purchase Price £5 + postage Available from our Online Shop 'Tough Stuff Journal: Someone has died' will be published shortly. This is specifically for young people who have been bereaved.
10 Ways to help you through the seasons (Autumn) WEBSITE: Bereavement UK'S practical guide to helping the bereaved deal with the seasons and anniversaries Expand Changing of any season can bring with it new anniversaries of significant moments. Here are some ways that may help you through autumn. Visit site
4Louis TRAINING, RESOURCES: 4louis provide useful tools, equipment and training free of charge to hospital units, hospices and other professionals comforting grieving families who suffer a miscarriage, stillbirth neonatal or child death. Expand 4Louis provides memory boxes, bereavement rooms, photography equipment, burial beds, Moses baskets & Angel pockets, cuddle cots and blankets and training free of charge to professionals working with grieving families who have lost a baby or young child. WEBSITE LINK Contact: Email: [email protected] Telephone: (0191)514 4473 4Louis, 36B Pallion Industrial Estate, European Way, Sunderland SR4 6SN
A birthday present for Daniel by Juliet Rothman BOOK: Ellen has lost her brother, and she shares with readers just how his death has changed the way her family interacts and the way she thinks about herself and others. Expand This sensitive book is designed to generate discussion between children and adults as each page provides opportunities for communication, understanding, expression of feelings, and support from the little girl's parents.As the story moves through young Ellen's experiences, it arrives at a universal problem how to commemorate the birthday of the child who has died. The suggestions presented here have been highly recognized and recommended by bereavement counsellors and support groups. Although written for the young child, A Birthday Present for Daniel reaches out to all who have experienced the loss of a loved one.Juliet C. Rothman of Annapolis, MD, is assistant professor at the National Catholic School for Social Services, Catholic University of America, editor of the Healthcare Ethics book series, and author of Saying Goodbye to Daniel. BUY ON AMAZON
A death in the lives of FILM: 20 minute film shows a group of young people aged 13-16, from a range of backgrounds talking about the kind of support they needed to help them cope with bereavement. Expand Made with the help of the St Christopher's Candle Project, shows a group of young people aged 13-16, from a range of backgrounds talking about the kind of support they needed to help them cope with bereavement. They discuss the role of family, friends, schools and other service providers such as the police, doctors and nurses. BUY HERE
A Heart that Works by Rob Delaney BOOK An intimate, unflinching and fiercely funny exploration of loss by a man who lost his toddler son to a brain tumour. Expand Rob Delaney's beautiful, bright, gloriously alive son Henry died. He was one when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. An experience beyond comprehension, but an experience Rob must share. Why does he feel compelled to talk about it, to write about it, to make people feel something like what he feels when he knows it will hurt them? Because, despite Henry's death, Rob still loves people. For that reason, he wants them to understand.A Heart That Works is an intimate, unflinching and fiercely funny exploration of loss - from the harrowing illness to the vivid, bodily impact of grief and the blind, furious rage that follows, through to the forceful, unstoppable love that remains. Buy on Amazon
A Shelter for Sadness BOOK: Children's book exploring the importance of grief. Expand Children are experiencing sadness to a far greater degree than is usual but how can they best manage that and how can they describe it? Anne Booth’s gentle text explores how a little boy creates a shelter for his sadness giving it a place where it can take on the many different shapes and moods it may arrive in. Having a safe place where he can engage with the sadness helps the boy to deal with the wide range of moods it may release in him. It also helps him to prepare for a time when he and the sadness may no longer need a shelter but can step out together into a better world. Inspired by the words of Holocaust survivor Etty Hillesum, A Shelter for Sadness is rich in emotion all of which is beautifully realised in David Litchfield’s illustrations. Buy on AMAZON
A Valley Journal Resources through blogs, articles and books on grief and how to handle it. WEBSITE: Living with loss grief resources. A useful website curated by Abi May. Expand A Valley Journal Resources through blogs, articles and books on grief and how to handle it. Visit the website
ABSCo WEBSITE Association of Bereavement Services Coordinators in Hospices and Palliative Care Expand ABSCo was formed to meet the need for a network for support and information for people who coordinate and manage bereavement support services within hospices and palliative care settings, for both adults and children. As one of the founding members of the National Bereavement Alliance, ABSCo works at all levels to raise public awareness of bereavement issues, and to provide a network of support to those working in the bereavement field in Hospice and Palliative care settings nationwide. WEBSITE LINK For general enquires, please contact ABSCo's administrator, Lesley: [email protected]
Action on Pre-eclampsia WEBSITE: Charity campaigning for support and providing information for those affected by Pre-eclampsia. Expand A national charity which campaigns and lobbies for funds, research and education to support those affected by Pre-eclampsia. WEBSITE LINK [email protected] 01386 761848
Activities for bereaved young people BOOK: helping to develop resilience and coping skills. Expand New for 2020, this spiral-bound A4 book provides practitioners, such as teachers and youth leaders, with a framework of activities to engage bereaved young people, get them thinking and talking, and help them to develop resilience and coping skills. 1 in 30 young people will be bereaved of a parent before the age of 16, and this book will help practitioners supporting young people to feel confident in addressing bereavement issues. Suitable for working with young people aged 8 - 18. 100 pages, detailing 20 activity session plans, some with photocopiable resource sheets. Also covers useful theories, guidance and further reading for practitioners ORDER HERE
Activities for families to do together after the death of a loved one LEAFLET: Ideas and activities for families after a bereavement. Produced by Balloons Charity. Expand Families who can share grief and undertake activities together to adjust to a new environment without the deceased often have better outcomes. Download from Balloons HERE
After a suicide - Scotland BOOKLET: guide to practical and emotional support following a bereavement by suicide Expand This guide to practical and emotional support following a bereavement by suicide has been produced by the Scottish Association for Mental Health (SAMH) to help support and signpost individuals bereaved by suicide. This can be downloaded from the Support After Suicide Partnership website HERE
After suicide - following the suicide of a child BOOKLET: Provides practical and emotional support following the suicide of a child Expand This leaflet, by The Compassionate Friends, provides practical and emotional support following the suicide of a child. Topics looked at include: - The Early days - Funeral and memorial service - The inquest - The impact on the family - Talking to children - Surviving This can be downloaded from the Support After Suicide Partnership HERE
Alan D. Wolfelt, Healing your Grieving Heart – For Teens BOOK: A book of simple tips for understanding and expressing your grief for teens Expand Buy on Amazon With sensitivity and insight, this series offers suggestions for healing activities that can help survivors learn to express their grief and mourn naturally. Acknowledging that death is a painful, ongoing part of life, they explain how people need to slow down, turn inward, embrace their feelings of loss, and seek and accept support when a loved one dies. Each book, geared for mourning adults, teens, or children, provides ideas and action-oriented tips that teach the basic principles of grief and healing. These ideas and activities are aimed at reducing the confusion, anxiety, and huge personal void so that the living can begin their lives again. Included in the books for teens and kids are age-appropriate activities that teach younger people that their thoughts are not only normal but necessary.
Albert Y. Hsu, Grieving a Suicide: A Loved One's Search for Comfort, Answers, and Hope BOOK: Hsu's book draws on the Christian faith to assist suicide survivors to the God who offers comfort in our grief. Expand Hsu draws on the Christian faith to assist suicide survivors to the God who offers comfort in our grief. Buy on Amazon "Albert," the neighbor said, "your mom needs you to come home." That's how it began for Albert Hsu when his father died. Anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide experiences tremendous shock and trauma. What follows is a confusing mix of emotions--anger, guilt, grief, and despair. Suicide raises heartrending questions: Why did this happen? Why didn't we see it coming? Could we have done anything to prevent it? How can we go on? Many also wonder if those who choose suicide are doomed to an eternity separated from God and their loved ones. Some may even start asking whether life is worth living at all. After his father's death, Hsu wrestled with the intense emotional and theological questions surrounding suicide. While acknowledging that there are no easy answers, he draws on the resources of the Christian faith to point suicide survivors to the God who offers comfort in our grief and hope for the future. For those who have lost a loved one to suicide and for their counsellors and pastors, this book is an essential companion for the journey toward healing. This revised edition incorporates updated statistics and now includes a discussion guide for suicide survivor groups.