Funerals : How to plan one

Please note that much of the following relates to funerals in the Christian tradition. Information about funeral etiquette in other faiths is available HERE

Covid 19 restrictions have affected funerals so please ask your Funeral Director's advice. He or she will help you plan the funeral as part of their service and are always happy to advise and make suggestions.

Discussion about a funeral has to happen very soon after the death of your loved one - quite likely in the day or so after the death. This is made easier if your loved one has left instructions. However, there are people to help and you should never be afraid to ask. Your Funeral Director will guide you and if you are involved in a church, the minister will also be able to talk you through the service which follows a format called a 'funeral rite'. If you would prefer to have a non religious service, you can use a Civil Celebrant. You can search for a civil celebrant in your area here.

A funeral is an opportunity to create a special tribute to your loved one and whilst painful, can also be memorable and a positive experience. If you have young people in your family, try to involve them in some way, however small. Give them the option to attend or not and change their mind later. You can find some very helpful advice about how to support bereaved young people and how to help them prepare for a funeral on this page. How to support a bereaved young person

Discussing burials and cremations

You will probably discuss with the funeral director whether a burial or cremation is more appropriate.

Be aware that if you choose a burial, the site can become a bit of a physical fixation, if not for you then other family members; if you are likely to move they can feel that they are leaving their loved one behind. Cremations, however, can cause issues around the scattering of the ashes, with family members having different views on what should happen. Collectively, it can be very hard to decide, and as time goes on it becomes a bigger deal. If they wish to discuss the topic with you, help them decide upfront – before the funeral – how they wish to deal with the ashes so that it is a less painful decision after.

The service

When preparing for the service, you can be imaginative: what do you and the family need at this time? It’s important to have a positive experience as this will make you and the family feel that the person has been honoured.

For people of faith, a place of worship is often the venue for a funeral service although if there is a cremation involved, you will also have to pay both church and crematorium fees. A minister of your religion can hold the service in the crematorium if that is your choice.

The range of songs and music available is likely to be wider and there are fewer restrictions on readings in a crematorium service. Try to include appropriate music that your loved one liked, even if some of these are secular. If few people are likely to know the hymns, keep them short and only pick one. The minister or celebrant can advise you about this.

Funeral Directors

Funeral directors are required to provide full information about funerals and costs on their websites. Funeral directors have a great deal of experience, and can provide you with information but please do your own research to find the funeral director that best suits your needs and financial circumstances.

SAIF requires its funeral director members (all independent, many are family firms) to meet national standards and will help you find someone offering a quality service near you. You can read about SAIF, the service offered and find a funeral director HERE.

If you are struggling to cover the cost of a funeral please visit Down to Earth, a Quaker Social Action project that helps individuals with financial challenges cover the cost of a funeral.